Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Counting Life

Let's begin this post with a little counting... blah, blah, blah... carry the 1... and that comes to 238 days.

It has been 238 days, as of today, that I have lived in Los Angeles. That means, outside of the last week or so in Cleveland, which was very "fall-ish" I have been encapsulated in summer like weather for over one year. (isn't that glorious?) But here is the funny thing about this move. Let's make a check list, shall we?

Moved - CHECK! (short list)

So physically I'm no where near the place I used to live. In the middle of this grand gesture of dream chasing I realized something, in some ways I haven't moved at all...

Dream chasing is costly and staring over, without free child care, is hard. My days of yoga teaching ended last September, and even though I've tried - taking my teaching practice along with me hasn't happened. That for me has been a hard transition. As with any loss it's been an up and down battle, emotionally, one that I'm slowly coming to terms with. Pride, it's a funny thing that gets in the way, and you would think after nearly 4 years I would have accepted the fact that I don't, and can't, work full time, but I haven't - not totally.

There are a lot of scary feelings attached to solely relying on another to provide for you - this is something I'm still not used to and every day it forces me to look outside my life, to reevaluate what is and isn't important. Some things I got over long ago. So I can't but a new pair of heels once a month and I don't have a nook - big whoop. I hardly wear heels these days and I like books, (even though I'm sure I'd grow to love a nook). But the issue arises when I go to buy my husband gift, part of me feels like I'm stealing from him, but I know he doesn't see it like that - and it's okay.

Then there is the fact that my life is very isolated. Without working, or having a car, I live in a vast bubble that only reaches so far. I have my phone, social networking, this blog, but meeting new people is hard when you have a child attached to your hip, limited funds, limited time, limited everything - so where do you go? Backwards, and I mean mentally.

Too much time allows things to creep up, and then it allows you to over analyze things and create problems that never existed at all. I think about people I haven't spoken too in years. I think about scenarios that happened before my child was born. I think so long and hard I get into arguments inside my head with people I don't even know if I'll ever see again - and some that I know I won't. And just as my brain feels like it's about to explode and I'm going to slip into oblivion and be marked certifiably crazy - everything changes, again.

In yoga you are taught we are all walking our own paths, and I firmly believe everything in life happens for a reason. Maybe you can't see it at the time, maybe you don't want too - but life works itself out if you let it. I also believe that being surrounded by people all the time can be just as bad as being utterly alone, but that raises the question, can you ever be "utterly" alone? The simple answer is no. So maybe things aren't as bad as I make them out to be. They're not, and I know that.

As the days grow in numbers and my isolation is extending into more months than I thought I could handle I've learned a lot.

I've learned:

  • how to spot the crazy in my head and how I think, and how to make it go away - fast.
  • what is important and what isn't. (like not working isn't important and raising my son is)
  • that you can eat beans and potatoes 100 different ways, and that's OK
  • that if you walk everywhere you can literally stop and smell the flowers every day.
  • how much I can take, and it's a lot more than I thought I could
  • how to make gnocchi <- it's super easy ;)

I'm learning:

  • how to stand up for myself and not let people knock me down
  • how to love my husband and son better
  • how to love me, in general
  • how to deal with people who just hate you because they want to hate (I'm a minority where I live, on days its not fun)

And I'm learning that it's okay and that there isn't a timeline on when things should be done. Life is just life and it isn't anything but what you make of it. If you spend all your time comparing it to social norms, you'll go crazy and you'll hate yourself for sure.

We live in a society that places everything in increments. We work for 8 hours and have a 1 hour lunch. We're XX years old and have XX cars and houses and kids and friends.

I've lived in Los Angeles 238 days and it's been a blink of an eye. We're still getting "settled" and that's OK. We're at a point where the light at the end of the tunnel is in plain view, yes, things will be changing again, and I have no idea what's next... and that is not only OK, it's kinda awesome.

I can't say I won't have a pity party for myself next week, I'm sure there will be a day I'm feeling down - but I know it won't last forever. I know that I'll be OK, because in the end things really do work out.

On October 28th I'll be having a party on here. I wonder what I'll have learned by then and I wonder how much of me will have finally settled in this move. 127 days until I know for sure.

[Waves: Be like water, it is the one element that can go anywhere and do anything. It can sit patiently, it can wear away stone, it can ebb gently, it can be ferocious and most of all it can fit where ever it needs to.]

Friday, June 15, 2012

Person inside me

There is a crabby person living inside my body
She is crass and short and a little two frank
She hasn't been sleeping very well, but it's her own damn fault
She tries to do too much
This is the very reason she probably is so crabby.

I found her the other day, sipping water from a mason jar
Thinking about an escape she very well knew she never could go on
It involved meals in bed, massages and a white sandy beach
with waiters and fruity drinks
It made her smile

I liked her then

Because then she wasn't crabby

It faded as quickly as it arose
And now she's back to bickering snide comments
Hiding in the bathroom too long
And taking the "long way home" enhanced by driving 20 miles under the limit
This allows her to think about nothing, which she very much likes

I should probably try to talk it out with  her
But I don't want to, what if it makes me crabby
Two women living inside my body - crabby
Sounds like a terrible idea, like hot sauce and ice cream
Guess I'll ignore her some more

Sunday, June 10, 2012


pools of light
listless movement
dragging across the road
in a traveling show
with the sounds of the city
pounding rhythmic beats
lost at the sight
at the servitude
the want
the need
muddles up in the factual mess
the quicksand puddle I missed

the excuses I make up
the exclude

Friday, June 1, 2012

Dreaming blur

Let's pick a song this, shall we? *looks around* AH! Punching in a Dream by The Naked and Famous.

(press play please)

Don't so much listen to the lyrics - I mean, they're good - but I'm not living a nightmare. Not in the least. This just happens to be one of those catchy songs that pulls me in and makes me listen to it on repeat a bunch. Such is life.

Life is the combined intricacies that weave into stories day in and out. Sometimes they look one way and sound the other. Sometimes they are quiet, and others, very loud. You can get caught by your senses and miss the point all together, but at the end - that usually is the point.

To miss things.

We get so caught up on so many things that we might have missed, we surly miss other things, creating a never ending circle of "what if" and "this isn't how it should be" thoughts.

It is what it is.

Be honest with yourself and everyone you meet.
Work hard - no excuses.
Love and be willing to let go.

Some people say that this is a dream - this moment - these thoughts - this life....
Some people say we are heavenly beings in having an earthly experience...

What if they're right?

Life is only what you make of it. There is no prize at the end, only this moment. No reason to compete with those around you. No reason to hold grudges or cling to the past. There is too much life to be had. Good, exciting, fantastic life.

Ah... these long and blurring weeks. The rhythm keeps me going, but its the small moments that make me feel. There is something new brewing, not sure what it is yet, but it's out there and that's exciting. And until I know what, exactly, it is - I think I'll dance until it gets here.

I don't ever wanna to be here!
Like punching in a dream...