Monday, July 30, 2012

The blame game

Well, this past Saturday marked 9 months since I arrived in Los Angeles. That is officially long enough to give birth to a child, and just like bringing a new life into this world, the list of uncertainties can be boundless.

Now, you may be sitting there thinking, "I don't have kids or want them for that matter and I haven't picked up and move, so this post is not relatable." But I'm here to say, you're wrong.


Well, lets begin with the cleverly chosen photo I have at the top of this blog.

This quote is true for ever one of us. The end.

I love to talk about all the things I love in L.A., and I like to leave out the hard parts (most days) because of the negative peanut gallery out there. Those who feel the need to exploit low days and say things like, "Just come home."

Can you go home when you're already here?

When you get pregnant, you spend 9 months watching your body grow, change, bloat and your emotions... now there's the most terrifying roller coaster you'll ever be on. Just as when you pick up your life and transplant it anywhere. Maybe it's 100 miles, maybe it's 10,000 miles - it's going to be hard no matter how much you absolutely love it.

I love L.A. I love the noise, the "industry", the traffic, the everything - the crazy people that dress in gold lame and walk Hollywood Blvd, the artists that try to give you a "free" sample of their music (for a tiny donation) on the Venice boardwalk. And don't even get me started on all the amazing vegan food.... BUT... it's hard.

I'm isolated - in a town of millions, almost completely at times and that will take it's toll on anyone.
On days, I let it get to me - I cry in my wheaties, "Poor me! I can't buy this! Poor me!! I can't go there!! Poor me!! Poor me!! Poor me!!" And this rant turns into a gigantic pity party that twists into depression and then I'm all like, "Why don't we have chocolate and cookies in the apartment ALL the time...?"

That's where I was last night - and let me tell you, cookies just before bed leads to dreams that involve the Muppet's, and not in a cool fun way.

This morning when I woke up and saw that photo on facebook and it was sobering, because it's so damn true.

I chose this life - as hard as it is at times
I chose to give up teaching to come to L.A.
I chose to live in a smaller place
I chose this and part of me is proud, because my family is so very, very happy here and my husband is don't so great. (and if there is anyone in my life that totally deserves it, it's him)

When I figured that all out this morning (and talked to a wonderful friend who cheered me right up) I pushed the "poor me" aside. No, it's not gone, but the silliness is. I knew this wouldn't be easy, starting over rarely is, but I also knew it would be worth it. And it REALLY is.

So I said that this is relateble to you - because it is. Every inch of your life is yours - if you're in a job you hate, quit it. If you're in a relationship that is terrible, leave it. If you have "friends" that only call when the want something, stop answering the phone.

You can choose to stay or go.
You and you alone are the one in control of your life - and if you don't like it and still don't change it - you're to blame. Just like I'm to blame when I doubt myself and tell myself that I'm not good enough to be a writer - 'cause I am. Just like I'm to blame when I hold on to the terrible comments some people make instead of clinging to the wonderful ones others say - that my fault. Just like I'm to blame for having a pity party over not being able to by a $60 skirt I saw online - it's a f***ing skit - who the hell cares - there will be more skirts.

Everything happens for a reason, you may not see it at the time, but you will - be patient.
Listen to your gut, it will guide you. Yes, you may have to leave people behind, but if they're really your friends and they really love you - you'll find them again. I know this for absolute certain.

For every second we waste on obtuse conversations with OURSELVES in our HEADS over things we can solve by picking out a phone and having an honest conversation...
For every moment we lose because a pity party seems like the easier route...
For every sugar cookie we eat at 10pm just before bed because it's the only comforting thing we have right now (is it? really?)...

There is so much more. 

There is the life we want.
And it'll be hard at times
And it will be scary at others
And some times you'll want to cry, and stay in bed for weeks

But the only way to really fail in life is to give up
And the only moment you're too old is when you're dead

Make your choices, accept your choices and as a wonderful woman I know always says "always in motion is the future." Keep going. Keep overcoming. Keep positive.

You have the power to have the life you want, so if you don't get it - blame yourself, but just well - when  you do get it - congratulate yourself, I know you deserve it.

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