I suppose everything matters, but nothing matters at the same time. Today has been filled with a lot of thoughts like that. Thoughts that are really me checking in, with me, because you have to do that. You have to check in every now and then... or you'll get so lost you'll never know which way is up.
I should rephrase that, or I'LL get so lost I won't know which way is up.
This happens to me from time to time.
It is what it is - it is utter chaos.
Life moves fast, with its twists and turns. The never ending river of time zipping us past locations, sometimes, so quickly we can't even tell what we're looking at. I think that is the best way to describe this past year. You see, on October 28th, I will have lived here for a whole year. 365 days. 52 weeks.
On October 20th I will have left Ohio a whole year earlier.
October 23rd will mark a year since I've been in Austin, Texas.
Dates that I will remember for ever because they led me to Los Angeles, where I've went to slowly learn about myself. A place that has become my home.
Even though I'm not exactly sure what Los Angeles is about.
L.A. is a mirage, really, it is.
One day it's a tourist trap
The next, suburban bliss
A hub of celebrities
A mess of trends
It is everything
It is nothing
It doesn't judge you - you can be ANYONE in L.A. and it doesn't matter.
And most importantly, you can come here and find yourself and then, you can just be you.
This journey into my self, this new life, down to the grocery stores, malls, interstates and side streets, has been revealing. It has shown me, exactly, what I fear. A year ago I knew I had a terrible fear of falling, but I don't think I realized how it is connected to me not reaching goals in my life. (I don't want to die, because I don't feel I've lived, etc)
I've learned that it may take someone 2 months to do something that will take me 2 years, but it's OK.
I've learned it doesn't matter that I didn't step out of my car and begin teaching yoga right away, and that doesn't mean I won't ever teach again, I just won't right now. There are other things that need more of my attention.
I've learned that I beat myself up A LOT for things I have no control over and I tell myself I deserve it. Over and over and over and over - and I don't.
When I did teach, one of my favorite life analogies has, and always will be, life as a river - because it's very fitting. Water is the most amazing element out of all of them in my opinion because it can be and do almost everything. It can sit very still, it can rage and destroy things. It can carry you, and it can cover you. It can eat through metal, just as it can be cool and soothing.
As I learn how to get the hell out of my own way, the analogy only means more to me - because I'm learning to flow through my life and allow it to come to me, instead of telling it how to be.
"At 40 I should have this, this, this, and that. And I had better live here and have traveled there."
No I shouldn't, maybe I will - but it's not mandatory.
At 40 I will like to know that I am happy and that my son and husband are both equally happy.
I would like to dance and smile.
I would like to still be stopping in the photo booth with my son to take silly photos.
I would like to be secure in the knowledge I am, simply, me.
I've spent so many years trying to be someone who everyone likes, and in the processes have hurt people, including myself. And it took me moving 3000 miles away from where I grew up to understand that those moments are over and I can't change them. If people don't want to like me, that has very little to do with me and everything to do with them. And with that insight I have learned to forgive myself and others for the things they've done to me.
No one is a saint. We've all made mistakes in our lives.
Judging others for the lives they live will not bring you happiness, only more agitation and anger.
And that is why I started this off by saying, I suppose everything matters, but nothing matters at the same time. Life is what it is, and you have a choice. You can sit on the bank and watch the river flow by, or you can make your own raft and ride it.
You become what you think about the most - so use some of that pent up energy to forgive yourself, to think of wonderful things, and to move forward.
Thank you to everyone who reads this blog.
Thank you to everyone who enjoys my chaos.
One year down and many more to go and still so much to learn.