|(c) Jose Manuel Merello*|
Today had been a day of discovery for me. A lot has happened since I woke at 5:30 this morning. My son had his first appointment with is new doctor, which can be a terrifying thing - but I have to say, we had to move 2500 miles from where he was born, but we found him an amazing doctor. Yet still, it was his 4 year old check up and that means shots, and blood work - which sucks if you're four or 104. (And it didn't help that the tech who took his blood had little to no experience working with children. The bruise on his little arms are massive.)
My hip still hurts. Taking this mornings events, mixed with the pain, I have yet to practice yoga. I will be doing it shortly, probably after I post this blog.
I've written just over 1000 words and plan on adding 1000 more to make up for yesterdays smaller number, but I'm still moving forward and my plan is still in place. This makes me happy.
So you may be asking, what is/was the discovery I made.
This 30 day extravaganza is about change for me. Changing me from the inside out so I can be and the person I want to be, inside and out. This is important to me on a number of levels. Firstly, I'm at a point in my life, the idea of just going through the motions makes me ill. Secondly, I feel I deserve more. More out of myself, more out of my surroundings. Thirdly, I look down at those big blue eyes, eyes I look at when I tell him to do this and to do that - and let's be honest - it's time to put my money where my mouth is.
My son, Xan, is an extremely picky eater. I can sit here and blame Gods and Angels, but at the end of the day, I'm the one who feeds him. He's picky because I give up. He's picky because I was so scared the first half of his little life (he had to go to the hospital ER a few times and had an over night due to lack of oxygen), yes my fear were justified, but I'm at a point where my fears are hurting him.
Allowing these fears to dominate have painted us into a corner.
I'm a firm believer that when its time for things to change or transpire - everything will unfold in front of me. It always has, so why should I think otherwise? Yesterday my husband came home with a book one of his co-workers thought may help us with Xander's eating issues, and so far I love it. "French Kids Eat Everything" by Karen Le Billon - I'm not far into it, and I'll be honest, I'm going to keep reading "Just Kids" by Patti Smith at night (I'm really getting into it, and love it very much) - but I will dedicate my daily reading to "French Kids"and have already began a list of things that need to change in this house, and our eating lives, to help him become a better eater.
So it was the book, and then one of Xander's movies came on... The Little Engine that Could. "If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you won't be able to." And by god, doesn't that sum it all up?
If I think I can write books - I will be able to, because I'm giving myself the confidence I need to do so. This applies for yoga, getting my child to eat new foods - in reality, it applies to anything and everything. People will tell you that I'm wrong, and that it's not true - but to quote Amelia Earhart, "Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done."
People doubt us, we believe them. We in turn doubt ourselves. We then believe we can't do the things we have always wanted to do, and we set ourselves up to give up and ultimately fail. But I'm here to tell you that you can. Just DO IT. Don't say things like, "I'll try." or "I'm trying." That's not doing - that's pretending that you're doing when you're really being hesitant and finding excuses as to why you can't/shouldn't do things.
Here's another Amelia quote (my childhood hero, by the way.):
"The most effective way to do it, is to do it."
There are 24 hours in the day, which means you have time for everything you want to do, you just need to learn how to manage your time better, and you need to accept that you are mismanaging your time in the first place.
All those people out there who are doing what they want to do. Those people you are envious of or you snicker about - don't think for one second they haven't sacrifice one thing or the other to have what they wanted. Don't think they didn't have to battle their ego, low self-esteem, gossip, judgement, etc - because they all did.
Ever notice all those people who try to take short cuts are usually the people who are the most miserable in life? There is a reason for it. Its the same reason you feel complete and whole when you work hard, believe in yourself, are willing to sacrifice things that aren't as important as your dreams and goals.
That's what I faced today as I looked at my life - at my dirty kitchen, messed up living room, trailers of movies I want to see - but probably never will. As I thought for the millionth time how I really want to succeed at both of the challenges I'm doing this month, and after I'm done, I want to keep them as part of my life AND I want to start new challenges. (I'm thinking about writing 5 poems a day for all of December. It's a month filled with love, family, Santa, and inspiration - a great month to write poems).
But this is the life I want.
I not only think I can do these things, I know I can.
The want to succeed is so much stronger then the urge to just "try" and to give up.
Yes, there will be people in my life who can't or simply won't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, but I know why. Like I said, I'm doing this because I deserve to be the person I want to be, inside and out. I deserve to have the life I want to have, day in and out.
If you don't have the life you want, change it. If you can't, change your attitude, but I'll tell you - most days, you can figure out a way to change it.
Need to save money, figure out those things you're "treating yourself to" and treat yourself to your future instead.
Need to lose weight, stop having snacks because you're rewarding yourself for not getting lippy at work or because you had a rough day.
Want to practice yoga every day, wake up early - go to bed later, turn off the TV. The time is there, and the same goes for writing a book.
If you think you can, you're telling yourself you can - hell, you're giving yourself permission to succeed.
If you think you can't... you need to stop thinking like that.
I sit before you to tell you that it's much nicer over here. And there is always room for one more.
[*art by Jose Manuel Merello - I picked this as an example of discover. There is so much to discover in his painting, just like there is so much to discover in life.]