Thursday, April 18, 2013

Study of Marigolds

It's all a bit of mayhem
Craziness wrapped in cellophane, 
Crispy and see through
And we run around in circles, lost
Confused by what has happened
And what hasn't happened at all
Then we wait for someone to guide us
What else it there to do?

The absurdity is just
We are just, aren't we? 
I am just, when I can be
And the world spins on
Befuddled, bemused, demoralized
Music swells
Everyone dances,
But the jagged coughs make my chest burn

How did we get here
Dizzied and confused
Fingers digging into the dirt
Grasping for the earth 
As it spins us, like a rotor
Pasted to the wall,
The floor falls out from under our feet
We hang, groundless

Helplessly waiting for the something
The one thing, that should rescue us
From calamity and woes
Never realizing we have our own capes
We are our own heroes
Rise above the fraudulent imagery
Move past the intricately placed words
And we find, life

Spun into the duality of a cocoon
Warm and comforting
Hot and suffocating
Choices woven into the silken threads
We over look for we think should be
The something that never was
Rest, or panic
Meditate, or run

Stand alone, but stand strong
As you look to them, they look to you
The earth will spin, and they will dance
And the burning will fade with time
Is it real, or is it a dream?
It's before you, for you to decide
What will become of what was
And what will never be at all?

Inside the mayhem are the marigolds
Puffs of beauty and color
And in their simplicity, the answers lie
But you  must sit and listen to the nothing
For as long as it my take
Minutes, hours, years
And then the answers will appear
Put on your blinders, then you will see

Friday, April 5, 2013

And a happy Friday to you all!

Happy Friday! I originally planned on having a video posted on here, for you to enjoy some wonderful music while you read, but all the ones I want will not play on blogger. JOY!

Anyway, today is one of those days we all look forward too all week long, even when it means nothing... as in my case. Let's be honest, tomorrow is Saturday, I'll be at home with my family. Then a few days later it will be Monday, and I'll be at home with my family (part of it anyway).

It can be a humdrum kinda way to go, but it - like every other aspect of life - has it's perks. This life allows me to listen to music, any sort I like, without comment or criticism. Plus, I can have 3 lunches if I like, and not get written up for leaving my desk too often. On the opposite side of the coin, there are the lulls, and the lack of socializing, but it's only a moment in time, and this too shall pass. One day I'll look back (I'm sure of it) and say, "Remember when I had all that time?!" So, I'm going to use it to the best of my ability.

This is my last Friday with my son before he is in school. The feeling is surreal. How is he old enough to start school? How did we get here so fast, and why didn't I believe with all my heart when others said it went this fast. Life's little mysteries all balled into one.

I feel I should do something extravagant with him, but I know the best will be a walk to the park  a mile from our home, and then back here to play with hot wheels and watch Rocket Monkeys on Nick. And I will read over notes, and he will jump on my back and we will keep on keeping on.

We have 5 days until school begins, and then it all changes again. I will have (approximately) 12 hours a week to myself. 12 hours of uninterrupted writing time. 12 hours for cleaning, and I mean REAL cleaning, not shuffling crap around until it looks nicer than it did a minute ago. I can SCRUB things without worry the smell will set off my son's asthma. 12 hours to practice yoga without bribes and promises. 12 hours to blog, make phone calls, write letters, watch shows that I, and only I (in this house) like in ONE sitting and not over a period of 5-7 days. (Yup. A one hour show. 5 minutes here. 10 minutes there...)

5 days until this period of isolation ends.
5 days until my son has new friends.

So happy Friday, my friends. Change is on the horizon. Change is always on the horizon... in my life anyway... Hope you have a wonderful day. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

I bought a shower curtin

I bought a shower curtain today, and you're probably sitting there thinking, "Aryn, who the hell cares?", but I do, and why? Because I never buy myself anything.

I've been with my husband, going on 13 years, and we've lived together for most of that time. But with him - like those before - I bought things for the house that I thought he would like. Never wanting him to live in a girly girl palace (like that would ever really happen, but...), I made sure to find items suitable for him - or I just didn't buy anything at all.

Curtains? Don't have them.
Throw pillows? Have two - and I hate them.
Area rugs - are old, and not "cool" old - they're from target and they're worn and faded and just...there.

Sure, money can be an issue - but it's not the main reason I do most of the the things I do.
Most of the things I do are for the same reason - because I'm scared that people will judge me and hate me. So before ever really trying, I give up and give in.

I blame me for everything. I can be sassy, and on days it's not all that crippling, but I'm coming off a depression jag and you know what I did? I bought a shower curtain. I didn't call anyone, or text anyone, or take a photo, or go to 37 different stores, and then weight my options. I found one I liked that was reasonably priced, and I bought it. I went to put it back twice - I still bought it. Then I brought it home, ironed it, and now its hanging in my tiny little bathroom. And I love it.

Now, I'm re-decorating the place, with little things - accents really - and I'm going to pick them out, without the likes of anyone.

What does my husband think? He likes the shower curtain, and told me even if he didn't - he liked that I was happy that I bought one that I really liked.

Tomorrow I'm going to GoodWill.
Look out house.
Look out life.