Thursday, September 10, 2015

One can only care so much

This is the truth.
One can really only care so much
Because reality won't let you care about stupid for too long
If you do
You'll go mad
If you think too much
You're brain will fry

Most of the shit I see on the internet
Is nothing more than fodder
It's trash
Basic lies created to make you feel something you shouldn't

Everyone with a blog is a fucking expert now a days.

Guess that makes me brilliant

But then again, I know it doesn't
Because at the end of the day, I know my limitations

When we spend our time caring about things
Other people think we should find important
We only waste our time

Time is precious my friend
It's like land
There is only so much, and they're not making more

Using it to get angry about the errant stupidity of the world
Will only lessen the amount you have
So care less, my friends

Care little

Save your energy for things that are important
Realize you are allowed to have an opinion--yet not allowed to shove it up everyone else's butts

Life it too short for bullshit

But it's just right for a nap

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Fun. Games. Change and coffee.

Ah, it's a happy Wednesday in good old Los Angeles. The sky is party overcast, last night my neighbors threw a huge "Back to School" party, keeping their children up well past 11p (Because what's better for the second day of school then dropping off your crabby, sleepy kids? Yes. My neighbors are a breed of their own.) 

But alas, that is not what brings me here this lovely day. Today, I am here to discuss the happenings in my life. Yes, that means I'm once again neglecting my other blog--but I'm liking it here. It's like discovering an old room in your house. One you used to spend all of your time in, and then for some stupid reason, decided to board it up.

With a lot of nails.

Because when I go for it, I don't like messing around.

I'm my own personal sadist. Why have others f with you, when you can just f yourself till next Thursday and back?

Life is...well, I was going to write "confusing" but it's not really confusing. Not if I put my big girl pants on and take it for what it is. Realistically it's just frustrating. Some days I feel like I'm slapping myself in the head with a cricket bat*, and can't figure out why I have a headache. [*they are flatter and more efficient than a Louisville slugger. This way I get more of the side of my face and not just the temple.]

Duh! It's because of Communism, or Nazis, or soccer moms--which fits in that same category as the other two.

What all this means is I have to make some changes, like trying to figure out how to deal with my back to school, anti-social anxiety disorder. (said disorder may not be on the books, but it's real in my life.) Or, how to get someone to read my damn manuscripts that isn't a like long friend, blood relative, or the guy I'm sleeping with.

Turns out when you share a vagina with someone (or a penis), they'll read your writing easy-peasy. And some people think marriage is a dead sacrament...obviously they're not "aspiring" authors. (this theory applies to me in my husband's writing life as well)

Or maybe I'm not officially "aspiring" any longer since I posted on Wattpad?
Or maybe writing on here makes me, like, the super duper special writer Queen woman?

Or maybe I should drink less coffee before I blog.
Jesus, I regretted typing that before I even finished knocking out the sentence.

Coffee is my only vice these days. (In the category of foodstuff, I'm sure I have other vices--but am not up to discussing them just yet. And now I want more coffee.)

The hardest part about waiting is feeling like you may explode at any minute. I have a million stories to tell, choosing which one to lean on is hard enough, and then I have these vivid dreams at night that only give me new ideas, on top of old half written stories sitting around for me to get back to them, on top of other pieces I promised to write for other people. ARGH!

I read a lot and sometimes the voice in my head screams, "Your stuff is just as good as this!! What's the hold up?? What is wrong with you?" (probably my massive use of over punctuation.)

I am my own worse enemy.
I know this.
I freak myself out and then I give up.

I over think EVERYTHING!

Because it's easier to be alone in my bedroom with a laptop not finishing things, than reading multiple form rejection letters from no-faced agents.

See! I can figure out the root of my own problems! Kinda.

So, like I said--this post is about changes. The ones I need to make so I'm not sitting here in ten years writing this same damn blog post, but even more discontent and caffeine free. (Which will be due to doctors orders--obviously.)

How does one do that?

I guess it's back to the big girl pants. How can I sit here and say 'what if,' when I very well know I have a better chance at succeeding if I put myself out there for general ridicule.

Shit balls I hate ridicule. I pretend I'm okay with it and then I'm on the sofa at 3am crying into a dish towel. (because my face is a platter from all the cricket bat hitting)

Not sure how I got to this portion of the blog--I veered off somewhere and tripped down the embankment, and now I'm hungry, craving coffee, and a bit excited to get back to writing.

I guess that means it worked?? (insert appropriate emoji here)

I know it hasn't been that long, this writing life of mine, but on days it feels like an eternity... I guess that's the lesson here. All that, if first you don't succeed, stuff, and getting out of my own head. Because, let me tell you, it's a regular Freddy Krueger self-esteem, emotionally depleting massacre in there. I'd invite you in, but that's just cruel.

All righty... Putting on my happy face. Getting the heck off the internet. Writing and editing here I come!

After more coffee.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Well, hello!

I haven't written on this blog in over two years, maybe longer, but lately it's been itching at the back of my brain. I'm not sure why, but I thought I'd swing by and throw up some words.

On to the screen--not like vomit into a toilet.

In the past two years my life has been very much the same, and has changed drastically. I now have a elementary school aged child--when I started writing this blog I was pregnant. And I've also self-published a novella on wattpad. <-- a="" and="" big="" course...="" deal="" feedback.="" feel="" free="" is="" it.="" leave="" me.="" of="" p="" positive="" read="" this="" to="">
In those two years I've done a lot of things--changed in many ways, but like I said--some things stay the same. I've always been an advocate of trying new things--adventuring if you will, but in these recent years I've also learned, some forms of stability are just fine, too.

Mostly because I like to sleep in a bed and am a fan of showering.
You're most welcome.
Yes, that smell isn't me. (I swear I did not, in fact, deal anything.)

And yet, while so much has changed, there is still so much more I want out of this life.

Sample (I want) list:

- To see the world with my son, because I think the best social studies classroom is found down the boarding plank of a plan.

- Write more books. I have two in the editing stage (edited by me, of course). One is currently in process, the other one is being researched, because it's historic and I'm a stickler for accuracy.

- Have more adventures. It has come to my attention that I have issues staying still. I get bored easily. (Not like I don't appreciate things and let them drop by the wayside. Mostly, I want to learn more, to do more, to meet more people. Like I said, I want to see the world--that includes all of the United States, Mexico, and Canada as well. )

- Surf. I want to learn how to surf. I love the ocean. It is, by far, one of the most beautiful things I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. I want to live in it. HA! Slap on some fins and call me a mermaid.

These are all "Adventures in Progress." It's good to have things waiting for you, but as I said, sitting still isn't my strong suit. That leads me to my current Adventure. The Avon 39 The Walk to End Breast Cancer.

This "Adventure" has slowly become more of a challenge than a carefree venture into the world of possibility. Between convincing people to donate (I needed to raise $1800 to walk at all, and can still raise more. Feel free to help a girl out!), to finding the right shoes to complete this walk. (Let's just say Nike and my feet don't agree on how bloody my feet should be. My feet think they're fine how they are... Nike on the other hand...)

When I chose to do this, I quickly realized the way to success was to call out into the world of friends and family and ask them for both emotional and finical support. This means I put myself out there for general public ridicule (because that's what happens when you write and publish your own book, and you sign up to walk 39.3 miles wearing pink--people judge you like they get paid by the minute. This is a sad, but very true, statement.)

So, with the relaunch of this blog (because I'm enjoying myself right now, and the fact I can write the word "adventure" ever third word or so) I'm going to talk about walking. I'm going to use this as a platform for expressing what it's actually like to walk the Avon 39.

Things you need to know:

#1 - the walk is on September 12-13 and is 39.3 miles long. The first day I will walk over 20 miles. For all of you who don't walk and think, "Pfft! BFD! It's just walking." No it's not. It's hard. That's why these ladies and gentlemen do it. As a bit of an offering to all the women (and men) who have breast cancer--and can't walk five feet. Walking for a solid two days ends in cramps, bleeding, blisters, and heat stroke. It's also rewarding on so many levels--but that doesn't mean it's easy.

Binge watching Netflix shows is easy. Getting off your butt and walking 39.3 miles is hard.

#2 - I am frustrated by all the road blocks I have met along the way. To make it very clear, I understand everyone can't donate. I am on a budget, and I can only donate so much a year. What hurts is the lack of replies. All you have to say is, "I can't" and I will understand. The deafening silence makes me questions a lot of things.

Like I often tell my son, I can't read minds, and I don't know every facet of your life unless you share it with me. Not talking isn't sharing--it's not you silently saying, "I don't have the money right now." It's you silently saying, "You're not important."  I am telling the world this, because if it makes me feel like this, it makes others feel like this as well. The next time someone asks for help, explain why or why you can not help them.

#3 - Avon 39 is in now way, shape, or form affiliated with Susan B Koman (or however you spell her name. She is a rip off artist.) Avon 39 donates money to programs that help people with breast cancer and help their families as well. Also, just because you don't LIVE in California, doesn't mean people in California don't deserve your support. Cancer doesn't give a shit about State Lines or Country Boarders--why should you?

#4 - Yes, I know that breast cancer has the most funding out of all the cancers out there. Does that mean they aren't worth donating to? No. Does it mean we need more people helping raise money and awareness to other cancers? Yes. Turn judgement into something useful. Use that energy to help others, not act like their choices aren't up to your standards.

#5 - Why I'm doing this at all. I feel helpless when it comes to something like cancer. I've had three scares in my life. My grandmother had a hysterectomy because she had cervical cancer. I know more than a dozen people who have had and beat cancer--but the reason I'm walking is for the one who didn't win out. This is my way of coping with her death. I'm not even sure her family supports what I'm doing here--and that's okay, because this is for me, and I know that. This is so I can wake up and say, "I tried." I know this. I am well aware of it.

I couldn't help my friend, so I will walk 39.3 miles in tribute to her and donate over $18k in her memory to help other families who still may have a chance.

That, my friends, is my current adventure. It's a life lesson for me. One that's been a roller coaster from the moment it began. and probably will be until well after I cross that finish line. (And did I forget to mention that I haven't been able to train in the last two weeks due to foot injury and lack of time??)

But that's what all adventures are, I suppose. Small lessons that transform us out of the shell we've built around our tired frames. They make us happy, sad, angry, and mad - because without myriad of emotions, how else can you grow?

Wishing you all a happy day, my friends, and now I am off to write. Because, as I tweeted earlier, that is what writers do, or otherwise they wouldn't be writers at all.

Also, Command Center Earth (my novella) will be free on Wattpad for about another month, and then I'm shipping it off to so make it an official self-pub'd book. If you read it, let me know! I'd love to hear from you.